Self-Preservation

Self-Preservation--To protect oneself from harm or destruction.

I'm a victim of self-preservation, and I hate it! I am constantly fighting against it, getting so angry at myself when I fall into it. And this is just one of the many things I'm on guard about daily.

I was telling Grant yesterday that I spent a lot of my day evaluating who I'd be without God. I think most people that know me would say I'm a pretty positive and happy person most of the time. I try to be kind and intentional in every situation I find myself in. But I've got to tell you, I would never be that way without God. Seriously...I'm sure you've heard people say that a lot, but who I really am, and all my flesh, does not amount to a good person. Without Him, I am selfish--caring only about ME and what makes ME happy. I am consumed with wanting everything to go my way, moody and never content. That is actually me and I am overwhelmed with the awareness that I absolutely have to know God and have His Holy Spirit at work in my life.

Self-Preservation is a defense mechanism. It's usually used in situations to guard yourself from getting the type of outcome that you do not want or that you fear. And some would say, "well, isn't that a good thing? Don't you want to protect and guard your heart." Absolutely, guard your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." But self-preservation is a selfish act, something you do in order to maintain superiority.

I have found that with certain people in my life, I have adopted this attitude of self-preservation in order to feel greater or to hinder access to be hurt or feel judged. Unfortunately, the outcome has not been so healthy. Instead of being known and understood, there has been growing separation and misunderstanding. While I was so busy protecting myself, I never gave people a fighting chance to truly understand me...too preoccupied with feelings that managed to get hurt while I was trying to escape just that. I guess, if we're honest, a lot of us would say this is a struggle. We all want to protect ourselves from harm. We want to guard ourselves from anything that would make us feel less than worthy. We are prideful. I am prideful.

As I think about all of this, I think of what our society teaches. "Don't be a doormat!" "Fight for your rights!" "Get what you deserve!" I think that's probably the opposite of who Jesus was and what he taught. Isn't the goal to become more like Him? Which means, sometimes being a doormat and giving up our rights, and at times even allowing people to get away with mistreating us. Ouch! That's hard to swallow. Think about the times when you've had a legitimate right to be angry about something. Didn't Jesus have a lot of those? Like the cross, for example. It takes me to 1 Peter 2:23: "He did not retaliate when He was insulted, nor threaten revenge when He suffered. He left His case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly."

God's word is not popular, even to us who follow it. It's hard stuff, but I think we'd all agree that we need Him. We absolutely cannot be disciples without Him--it just can't be done in our own strength. My self-preservation and pride cannot be cured and transformed into humility without God at work in me. We cannot fulfill Galatians 5:14 without God at work in us.

We all have to face it: self-preservation and every attempt to avoid hurts and pains eventually make us slaves...slaves to the illusion of safety...slaves to our own little prisons built inside us.

Be Challenged

I've been on a Francis Chan kick lately, and was really challenged by something he had to say.

I downloaded a podcast titled "Christ Centered Relationships" and he opens by telling his congregation that they will probably not enjoy what they (he and his wife) have to say. He goes on to say this:

A lot of you really like Jesus, but if you're honest, you don't really want to become like Him.

You admire His humility--but do you really want to be that humble?

You think it's beautiful that He washed the feet of the disciples--but who's feet are you washing?

You are thankful that Jesus was spit on and abused--but you'd never let that happen to you.

You love that He laid down His rights--but you will spend your life defending and fighting for yours.

You praise Him and sing songs to Him because He loved you enough to suffer for you while on this earth, but you're going to make sure you have fun while your down here.

You think Jesus is a great savior but not a great role model.

1 John 2:6-Those who say they live in God should live their lives as Jesus did.

Be Challenged.

Forgiveness

But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. -Mark 11:25

This blog will probably be very transparent, putting me in a vulnerable spot so, handle with care. :)

I never thought I had a hard time with forgiveness until about 2 years ago. Over the years of my life, I've had some bad friendships. In high school, girls were just mean. Everything was this competition and comparison game. Everything was centered around being the best (looks, sports, boyfriends, outfits, cars)--so ridiculous! In college, it was a little better. Maybe it was because I played softball. The one thing I can say about most athletes is they know how to work together, how to support each other--very few complain and most are hardworking. However, I still had to deal with the drama of life in some big ways. Very inaccurate rumors were spread around about me that weren't true and pretty much ruined my reputation. Let's just say, by this point, I was becoming very wary of people and very insecure.

I didn't go into much detail of the situations I faced and what ruined my reputation throughout high school and college, but I was able to forgive them...easily. Even after college I had friends that could not be happy that I was getting married and that I had turned my entire life around, for the better. They gave me a hard time about who I was becoming and how I was so "different." The one thing I never understood was that I was a better person, a better friend. I had changed in a good way! Still...forgiveness was easy for me. I was able to forgive every single person from my past, love them and treat them with respect, be their biggest fan on their biggest day without hesitation...no problemo!

A few years ago God sent a person into my life that would challenge my ability to forgive...she would challenge my faith all together. In order to keep this blog from running too long, I'll give you a real quick overview of the situation. She was a good girl, someone who had some very positive attributes as well as what seemed to be a strong, solid faith in God. I actually admired her in a lot of ways. But, she had some hang-ups (like we all do) and unfortunately, most of them were targeted my way. It got to a point where I had to confront her for reasons that I will not go into detail about. Her anger and feelings towards me were manifesting in her life, people were picking up on them...so meeting head-on became necessary. When we would talk about the issues we were facing, I remember her being like stone. It became evident that to her my feelings were invalid. To make a very long story short, this went on for quite some time and I grew very bitter toward her. Can I just say that bitterness and unforgiveness is the worst state to be in. You become miserable and you begin to make everyone around you miserable too...the sad thing is, most of the time you do not even realize it because you're so far in. Be on guard!

A wise person once told me that he felt unforgiveness was the one thing that kept us from truly entering a real relationship with God. Whether that be unforgiveness towards yourself or others...it was a wall that would stand between us and God until we allowed Him to break it. I tried for so long in my own strength to forgive this girl. It could not be done on my own--I absolutely had to depend on God for the ability to let it go and to move on. I think what seems to be the hardest to forgive is when we feel we have the right to be angry and to stay angry, especially when that person never apologizes or seeks to understand you. But God says "Never take revenge. I will take revenge. I will pay them back."-Romans 12:19

My unforgiveness towards her had a huge effect on my life. I stopped living. And I'm just now starting to find myself again. It is still an attitude that I have to keep in check daily. I gave her and the situation control over my life for so long. What's important is what happens in you, not to you!

Love.

Countdown

I'm going to be a mom in 2 weeks or less! What?! It's finally here and there's no turning back. It's not like I can hand it off...this is a task only I can finish. There is no other replacement!! But ohhhh are we excited!!!

I remember how it all came about. Grant was ready, I wasn't. I was in the middle of getting my MA Degree and really wanted to finish it out before we got pregnant. I felt that our life would be more "in order" if we followed that route. However, life threw us a curve ball...I was diagnosed with PCOS. Depending on the severity, it can make it difficult, sometimes impossible, to conceive. Grant and I felt the sooner we started trying, the better. We prayed and asked God for a baby and that my PCOS would not interfere with having a child of our own. Well, God was all ears and heard our desire because that very month we found out we'd be having a baby!! Whoot Whoot!! Pretty amazing, huh?

Being pregnant has been such a cool experience for me. I wasn't sure how I'd be. I'm usually pretty go with the flow, try not to make life complicated type of girl. So, there was a part of me that really wanted to be dramatic and over the top with this process...in a good way, of course! :) I didn't want to treat it like another ordinary day--I wanted to be childlike with it! It has taught me a lot about the tongue and how much life and power it has (Proverbs 18:21). What I mean is... Grant and I laugh about how people have felt so much freedom with sharing every negative thing about pregnancy. And I welcome the opinions...I want to be teachable and learn...I need relationships with people where I can learn from them!! However, God has given me a gift, a GIFT! I want to look at it with His eyes and treat it as the most precious blessing I could ever receive...that only comes from Him. Does that mean I'm in denial about how motherhood can be difficult? Not at all. But, if I were to go througout life always consumed and overwhelmed with the hardships of what life can bring, then I would be dead...dead to me and everyone around me. I do not want to lose my saltiness (Luke 14:34). Fight for saltiness!!! :)

So now, with just 2 weeks to go...our little no-name child is running out of room, kicking me and keeping me up at night, eating big and growing lots of hair and a big belly (so my Dr. says)! Keep us in your prayers. We cannot wait for you to meet her! We'll be keeping you informed, oh and wings for everyone if you want to join the party at the hospital while we wait for her to arrive!

Love you all!

Proverbs 31

I'm convinced that most men love this chapter...a lot. I get this picture in my mind of a man reading the words with a sly grin thinking "that's right, serve me woman!" And I will say, depending on our individual circumstance, it can be a challenging chapter for women to live by. God has placed it heavily on my heart lately. He really wants to hammer it home, so I'm going to let him challenge me with it. By the way, if you read it in The Message version, it's easier to digest.

It seems like we've been surrounded by failing marriages lately. I look at my own and thank God for it. Grant and I are not perfect, but we are good. We both work so hard to stay in tune with each other, making sure needs are being met and expectations are fulfilled. It has not been easy...we've had many late nights and lots of hard communication. However, God never ceases to remind me that we are not above brokenness. In fact, it would be foolish of me to see these struggling relationships around me, to weep and pray with my loved ones and for their marriages to be saved, but then to come home to Grant and to be a mediocre wife.

If I made a list of priorities today Grant would be at the top, right behind my relationship with the Lord. Why is it that we make a list of priorities but never actually fulfill most of them? I know I'm guilty of that. Anyway, he would be next in line even before my own daughter and the rest of my family. The first thing God said when He created the first woman is that she was made as a helpmate to her husband. He didn't say, "And behold ... I have created a mother." He said: "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18, NIV). Motherhood came along later, after the call of being a helpmate was established.

We have 3 weeks left until we will be a family of 3. Grant and I have discussed our roles and standards that we will stay true to, which I'm sure has the possibility of changing...and we will figure that out as we go. We do not expect it to always be easy. My daughter, unintentionally, could easily separate Grant and I, if we allowed it. If I chose to be a mom who cared for my daughter and fought for my daughter, but not for my marriage, it would create a wall in my marriage. Think about it. How many marriages do you know like that? The kids lives have come between the husband and the wife, creating feelings and strongholds that should never exist. I don't think Proverbs 31 is just about me taking care of Grant, our child, and our home. Grant and I have made the decision to be a team so when I'm down and out, he needs to fill in, and vice versa. I think, for me, entering into this new season, Proverbs 31 is a chapter of integrity and a reminder that I have a covenant with my husband, blessed by God. I will honor that and do my best to maintain the definition of marriage made by God.

I hope I accomplished, in some way, what God has laid on my heart. My thoughts have been so jumbled recently; I like to blame it on the "pregnant brain." My prayer is that our lives will reflect the scriptures and that our hearts and attitudes will stay aligned with God's. Yes, that is my prayer.

Love.