Forgiveness

But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too. -Mark 11:25

This blog will probably be very transparent, putting me in a vulnerable spot so, handle with care. :)

I never thought I had a hard time with forgiveness until about 2 years ago. Over the years of my life, I've had some bad friendships. In high school, girls were just mean. Everything was this competition and comparison game. Everything was centered around being the best (looks, sports, boyfriends, outfits, cars)--so ridiculous! In college, it was a little better. Maybe it was because I played softball. The one thing I can say about most athletes is they know how to work together, how to support each other--very few complain and most are hardworking. However, I still had to deal with the drama of life in some big ways. Very inaccurate rumors were spread around about me that weren't true and pretty much ruined my reputation. Let's just say, by this point, I was becoming very wary of people and very insecure.

I didn't go into much detail of the situations I faced and what ruined my reputation throughout high school and college, but I was able to forgive them...easily. Even after college I had friends that could not be happy that I was getting married and that I had turned my entire life around, for the better. They gave me a hard time about who I was becoming and how I was so "different." The one thing I never understood was that I was a better person, a better friend. I had changed in a good way! Still...forgiveness was easy for me. I was able to forgive every single person from my past, love them and treat them with respect, be their biggest fan on their biggest day without hesitation...no problemo!

A few years ago God sent a person into my life that would challenge my ability to forgive...she would challenge my faith all together. In order to keep this blog from running too long, I'll give you a real quick overview of the situation. She was a good girl, someone who had some very positive attributes as well as what seemed to be a strong, solid faith in God. I actually admired her in a lot of ways. But, she had some hang-ups (like we all do) and unfortunately, most of them were targeted my way. It got to a point where I had to confront her for reasons that I will not go into detail about. Her anger and feelings towards me were manifesting in her life, people were picking up on them...so meeting head-on became necessary. When we would talk about the issues we were facing, I remember her being like stone. It became evident that to her my feelings were invalid. To make a very long story short, this went on for quite some time and I grew very bitter toward her. Can I just say that bitterness and unforgiveness is the worst state to be in. You become miserable and you begin to make everyone around you miserable too...the sad thing is, most of the time you do not even realize it because you're so far in. Be on guard!

A wise person once told me that he felt unforgiveness was the one thing that kept us from truly entering a real relationship with God. Whether that be unforgiveness towards yourself or others...it was a wall that would stand between us and God until we allowed Him to break it. I tried for so long in my own strength to forgive this girl. It could not be done on my own--I absolutely had to depend on God for the ability to let it go and to move on. I think what seems to be the hardest to forgive is when we feel we have the right to be angry and to stay angry, especially when that person never apologizes or seeks to understand you. But God says "Never take revenge. I will take revenge. I will pay them back."-Romans 12:19

My unforgiveness towards her had a huge effect on my life. I stopped living. And I'm just now starting to find myself again. It is still an attitude that I have to keep in check daily. I gave her and the situation control over my life for so long. What's important is what happens in you, not to you!

Love.